730 Deep Breaths

A 730 day journal- documenting the life of a woman with mental illness.

Surgery, Struggles, and Selflessness.


Yesterday, we received some bad news. 

My boyfriend’s father had his second stroke of the year, last week. This time was much worse than the last. He cannot walk. They have decided he needs to spend a few weeks in a live-in physical therapy place to recover.

But, yesterday his tests came back and they have decided he will need surgery to insert a stent into the vein in his neck to try to alleviate some of the clots that keep forming there and causing these strokes.

Best case scenario: The surgery is successful and he spends (likely) several months recovering.

Worst Case Scenario: The surgery can be fatal.

My boyfriend has informed me that his dad is still trying to weigh his options. If he chooses to have the surgery, my boyfriend will need to fly back home to care for him and support him during all of this.

My boyfriend has also informed me that he would like me to come. 

Now I am struggling with how I feel about that. On one hand I want to be there for him, to love him, and support him in case anything were to happen. (Nothing will happen. He will be fine)

On the other hand, I will be returning to the very town that brought my anxiety back. I will be staying with a family that is not my own. Away from the place I feel comfortable. Deeply entwined in an extremely scary and stressful situation. And if something happens- I’m not sure I could handle that.

I know, if it comes down to it I will go. No questions asked. But I fear the repercussions, how I will deal with everything, and how much worse I could make the situation for my boyfriend if I were to fall deep into panic.

The last thing he needs is to be dealing with his father’s health, and my anxiety- simultaneously.  

I really hope I have the strength to do this.

Just thinking about it makes my heart race.


3 thoughts on “Surgery, Struggles, and Selflessness.

  1. You have the strength….you had the strength to admit your concerns, you have the strength to be open, you have the strength to be present. You definitely have the strength to be there while he needs you, and you have the right to leave if it is too much.

    Know those things, and you know what you need to know to do this….remember to breathe, to take time to recenter, to slow things down and BE present with yourself, know your limitations, and mind your needs…don’t be afraid to be his partner…he needs you. You can slay any dragon. Pray, meditate, care….

    You’re strong enough.

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