730 Deep Breaths

A 730 day journal- documenting the life of a woman with mental illness.

A Belated Update


So, lately I have really been suffering from my insomnia. I adjusted pretty well during the past week when my boyfriend had left town to visit family. Sleep came fairly easy.

Now that he is back, I have to adjust to him being in the bed. Until then- I am playing a risque game of cat and mouse with my sleep.

I should have enlightened you to this days ago, but I must admit that I was hoping to get past it within the past few days and present you with a truly positive post.

But days have gone by, and I still roam my house all night long.

I don’t think that 9.5 hours of sleep in four days is the healthiest. 

(I resisted the urge very much to put “#YOLO” at the end of that last sentence. I chose against it, to avoid jumping on the pop culture bandwagon. But- by telling you that- I was able to write it anyway and get away with it. Mwahhaahahhaaaaaaaaaaaa!)

Moving On—-

When I lose sleep I tend to get very anxious. This has a lot to do with the fact that I usually jolt awake in panic after only one hour of rest. But when that happens I correlate losing sleep with anxiety attacks and I begin avoiding going to bed. Let the Cycle begin…

The pressure that this adds to the simple task of sleeping- is exhausting. Yes, so exhausting that I sit here with my eyes half open and bags so big under my eyes that a horde of Stepford  Wives couldn’t even shop enough to fill them.

Now, since I am on day 5 of next to no sleep, I am beginning to get so tired that I’m hoping at some point I will just pass out. I don’t know how many 3am walks or yoga sessions I can take anymore.

The 867 sleeping pills I have downed in the past 24 hours aren’t even strong enough to outweigh my own thought keeping me awake. I swear if I was this strong physically and emotionally (in a positive setting) as I am mentally- my life would be so much easier.

I am attempting to stay positive about this. I haven’t seen a sunset in ages, but I have recently witnessed 5 in a row. I get to say goodbye to my little brother as he treks off to the bus. I have also been given the opportunity to learn that absolutely nothing is on TV before the hours of 10am. That is invaluable knowledge, dammit.

Who needs sleep with all those perks?!

I have also learned a valuable lesson: To be upfront with you all about what is happening, rather than waiting for things to turn out well so we can celebrate together.

Never again. Promise!




2 thoughts on “A Belated Update

  1. I can definitely understand! To a degree, I’m not able to sleep, physically. Mostly, I feel like sleeping will cause more anxiety. I’m currently up (about 3:30 a.m.) trying to prepare myself for a morning at the lake with a couple friends tomorrow. I decided I would be more calm if I skipped the whole sleep thing. I know what will happen once I start this, though….

    • It is a vicious cycle. I do the same as you, often I just give up trying. It seems like when I try to push myself back into sleep it only escalates my anxiety and makes everything so much worse. At a certain point, you just have to give in. I like to try to get some random exercise before bed (it helps exhaust my already tired body). Usually I ride my bike around the block a few times but also some intense stretching and a few basic exercises (push-ups, jumping jacks, lunges). I will be wishing for some deep slumber for you tonight. I hope you have a great time with friends! I’m glad we can relate.

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